Guest Blog on Africa to America!!

Hi ya'll.  I know I have been absent for awhile and I sincerely apologize.  A lot has happened at the Fry Family Farm and telling you all about it is on my "to do" list.  However, in the meantime I am a guest blogger on my friend Carly's site.  Carly writes over at America to Africa and yes, I have talked about her before because she is awesome!!!

I hope you will go check it out and thanks so much for your patience with me.  LOVE YOU ALL!!!

The NoondaySummer Sample Sale

Hi ya'll.  The summer just flew by and the kiddos and I are already three days into homeschool.  Wow, time has flown by. The good news is, we have only had 5 minutes of crying and we are loving our days and new found learning...so far :)
Tomorrow is the big release day for the fall/winter Noonday Collection.  This means that I have tons of spring/summer samples that need to find new homes to make room for all the new goodies coming in.  SO, I have set up a cutie little shop here on tictail.  Grab these gems while they last.  Interested in hosting a fall show to earn free stuff for yourself or fundraise for an adoptive family?  My fall/winter calendar is already starting to book up so let me know when you had in mind for your fall or holiday shopping trunk shows.

Here is the amazing news that I feel so blessed to share.  Through Noonday, I have been able to help families fundraise over $700 through purchasing with a purpose!!!

Month One Of The Train Up A Child Challenge

I have been absent for awhile, sorry about that.  It has been a crazy, awesome summer here in big sky country.  The sun is out, the fields are green, the rivers are roaring and the cowboys/cowgirls/farmers are working non stop.  Just last week I watched my best friends daughter show her pig at the fair (she totally rocked). Around here we work hard around here and play even harder.  All the more reason why I adore my morning runs and rides when I can chase the sunrise and talk to all the baby moo cows, horses, deer and even elk that I saw a couple weeks ago.  

Today, I want to share my girlfriend Carly with you.  She blogs over at Africa to America.  Her and her husband have a gorgeous little lady and a darling little man.  They brought him home from Congo this year and I am pretty much in love.

Carly, quite transparently, admitted what the rest of us fail to.  She is awful at following through with ideas and wants to change that.  I can share that testimony completely.  We all have killer ideas that end up going wayside to "more important things".

SO, she has created the Train Up A Child Challenge.  I think it is quite brilliant, personally.

Hebrews 13:16 tells us

"Do not neglect to do good and to share what you have, for such sacrifices are pleasing to God."

We all have a little extra don't we?  Sharing, what an amazing concept to follow through with and do with your children.  It is amazing how we teach this in kindergarten and then it tends to go wayside.

One act of service each month, with your kids.

Wanna???

Carly's first act was sharing her garden bounty with her neighbors.  Here in Montana, we get rockin' gardens of lettuce, herbs, radishes and um, I am not sure what else, by June. I will openly admit that I am quite envious of Carly's basil harvest this year.  

As for us, July is the month of hay around the wannabe Fry Family Farm.  We live in a hay field and it is unreal this time of year.  Josh and I will drive two tractors and it will take the good part of a week to get done and we are only cut 15 acres.  There is a big hay operation across the street that makes ours look like childs play!  Yes, I drive a tractor and buck bales.  What do you think I am, some sort of sissy girl?  Well, Josh is incredibly allergic to it so, he combo mealed a respirator, a vintage pair of ski goggles and his Grandfather's hat.  He looked like an alien but is totally dedicated to the cause so we love him!

This year, was an abundant crop for us and we were blessed to have God place a family in our lives that needed hay to feed their livestock but were having a rough year.  I tried to think of a great act of kindness we could do and was coming up blank.  Then I realized, we have hay...TONS of it!  We decided to gift them 2.5 tons of hay.  It was so much fun to chat with them, email back and forth, share with them and allow our kids to help make the decision.  You know what is even more fun?  The hay we gifted ended up being almost exactly 10% of our crop.  Yes, that is a God thing right there.  They shared their amazing goats milk soaps and lotions with us which you should totally check out!  We are already thinking of ideas for next month.  Hmmm, maybe the chokecherries will be ripe by then...

So, what can you and your littles share this month? Maybe it is your garden, maybe it is some muffins that you make together, maybe it is just your time, we all have a little something to give to someone else.  

If you feel moved to, take the challenge and share your acts with me here or over on Carly's blog.  I promise to keep you updated on ours.  They will most likely not be as extreme as hay but should be fun all the less.  If you share them with me, I will share them with Carly.  She will be tickled pink to hear about them.

Enjoy the sun!

Heids

Living The Mini Van Dream

There is no better family rig than a minivan.  

No, seriously don't even argue with me.   My kids have not opened a door into a brand new, very expensive truck since I got the minivan.  One push of a button and in and out everyone goes.   I can put BOTH my race bikes and wheels in my van without taking the wheels off. I can change clothes comfortably in the back.  Fold the seats down and the kids could sleep back there, like a camping trip, all the way home from Seattle.  That was hypothetical of course.  I would never let my kids do that.  Ummmm, yep thats a lie.  Hey, don't judge, we did it when we were little and lived just fine!  PLUS, my baby sister married my minivan salesman and they have given me seriously cute nieces.

All that said, I am "that one mom" who will not let her kids eat in the car.  No offense to y'all but have you looked in some of your vehicles lately?  Oh my word!  So, my minivan is clean as a rental car right?  Um, not so much!  My kids do not eat in there but they seem to shed and fling clothes around in there like a couple of exotic dancers.  I could seriously do a load of laundry just out of the car. 

 "Kids, bring your laundry baskets downstairs and grab the load out of the car too!"  

Well, a couple weeks ago my baby sister was headed to a convention with other medical care nurse people who have jobs that get to go to cool places for conventions. (I am petitioning for a stay-at-home mom convention in Fiji, who is with me?) She posted on Facebook about her "nanny car" needing the carpets shampooed.  Side note, I am a sucker for all things that have to do with my baby sister.  I began to ponder the idea and this is what came into my highly ADD, channel surfing head. No editing and no joke...

* clean cars rock

* I should clean her car for her while she is gone

* If I detail my van then I won't want a new one, that doesn't rattle for quite awhile

* I wonder how bad her "nanny car" is with those two little girls in it?

* I'm thirsty

* My kids are both gone when she needs this done.

* I forgot to change out the laundry, crap (yep, sure did get side tracked on the way to do that)

* If I rent a carpet shampooer then I can do her car AND mine, sweet!

* Josh is going to tell me I am crazy to clean out "the nanny car" on my one day without kids

* I should call Dad and go cycle for awhile, wait, Dad is with my daughter at the lake.

* I love a clean mini van.

* I love my mini van. period. 

I turn on my phone and find the green text message sign.

"I'll clean your nanny car for you, what do you want done?"

"Can you just make it not smell so bad?"

"Um, sure, that car is tiny, how bad can it be?"

Yep, it was stinky and full of goldfish, I shampooed that car interior 3 times!

Then, I did mine, 3 times!  How does that happen?  There is no food allowed in the car.  For the 4th time around, I took out all the seats, all the seat panel thingies on the floor and the step thingie where you get in.  

Quote from Josh, "wow you are really getting serious now."

"Yes, yes I am"

My friends, when I was done, it was the most beautiful grey with a hint of 4 years of dirty that you have ever seen.  I decided then and there, there will not be any seats returning to this vehicle.  If we need one, I will unfold one of the ones folded down under that plastic thing in the back.  Then, I figure if we are going to have ALL THAT SPACE, the least I can do is move the center console back for the kids to have.  Yes, this is lovely, I will call it...clean mom car!  Can I get an amen to this?

 

Josh came home to the seats still folded up in the garage and asks: 

"Looks great hun, but are you going to leave it like that?" 

"YES!!! Look how clean it is!!!"

"Ok"

He is a good man.

Our daughter arrived home the next day and asked if we could go somewhere and I told her, quite matter of factly, "sure, just take your shoes off before you get in the car." Well, not sure how many of you have a ten-year-old girl but she gave me that stare with the eye scrunch that creates creases between your eyes  and said "what?"  The my-mom-has-lost-her-mind look continued as I nonchalantly placed myself in the drivers seat and put on my sunglasses.  I looked over and she is still standing next to the door!  SO, I hit the "open sliding door" button and said "well, get in?"  Oh the looks that come from a tween girl.

Emma: "Why are we taking off our shoes in the car?"

Me: "Duh, because the carpets are clean. Cleanliness is next to Godliness love bug"

Emma: "Maaaauuuuummmmmmm I need shoes?"

Me: "You don't need shoes, your Papa J didn't wear shoes, in Texas, when he was little, kids in Africa don't have shoes, plus you stock pile shoes in here anyway so you don't need shoes, plus end of story."

Emma: "So, we just aren't going to get out of the car?"

Hmmm, she had a point there.  

It has been two weeks now and the seats are still not in the van and it is still clean.  What? What?  Who is the cool mom with the clean mini van parked in the garage here?  Yep, thats me!  Hey, it is summer, lets savor clean before the snow hits again.  We even had a bible study meeting in there when it was too windy at the park. I didn't make them take off their shoes since they already think I am crazy! 

Now, with both kids back home, the question tends to arise of if we can go to town.  Well, the answer to that is simple.

Sure, just call one of the Grandmas and see if she will drive us in her car, mine is clean for at least one more day!

The End And The Beginning

It has been a crazy roller coaster of a year.  

When they say that adoption is not for the faint of heart, they are not even remotely kidding.  However, as a family, you need both adult hearts to be in the journey together.  One being at 110% and one being, not so much, makes an average of what would be considered a non passing grade and that is not a path of righteousness.

Luckily, somewhere at the top of the roller coaster I became part of an amazing group of Christian women who are diving into the word with me and learning how to love God more clearly and listen to intently.  Thank you Jen Hatmaker for encouraging me to stretch my wings.

In all that listening time, I have realized that, what has become my adoption, not our adoption is not what is best for our family.  God put me on His Earth to be the best daughter to Him, wife to Josh and mother I am capable of being.

I want to change the world and I want to actively work with children in poverty.  I want to love the orphaned and widowed and I want to make a difference.  However, I need to do that by being a missionary, not an adoptive mother.

Being a strong role model and having an amazing family unit, that is where my focus needs to be.  I want to raise strong children who know Love and are filled with the Holy Spirit, children who see love, kindness, honor and respect in their home and radiate that to those around them.

After a year of heart ache and struggle, we have made the incredibly difficult decision that adoption is not the Godly choice for our family right now.

There are so many of you who have given us your time, your social media, your prayers and your financial help.  I wish I could give you your time back but I cannot.  All I can do is thank you for it.  From the bottom of my heart, I appreciate all the time and prayers you have given us.  As far as finances, I am working on getting that back to you as well.  Please give me a week.

This prayer came to me on my FCA Team Endurance feed today.  Perfect for the occasion.

"Lord, help me see how You are growing me now, in the middle of every circumstance. Thank You for guaranteeing victory over death. Thank You for walking hand in hand with me. Amen."

I love you all and hope that you will continue to follow along with us on the crazy journey we call LIFE!

Drum Roll Please

Drum roll please....just in case you are not one of my Facebook peeps, the news is out.  We have officially accepted a new referral. We did it awhile ago but wanted to make sure everything was a "go" before we started getting all public!

We are currently awaiting court approval (like, in the next week) for two new Fry's.  We are adopting another sibling set!  Abigael is 7 and Emmanuel is 5. Yes, her name is spelled with an "e" I already spelled it wrong on a package I sent her so, I need to start practicing.  My iphone has yet to figure out how not to auto correct it.   They are the most beautiful kids you have ever seen.  What mom doesn't say that though right?

We are in a tricky spot with the DRC system and our agency is working incredibly hard to get our case going quick so that we will be in the group that is receiving their investigative interviews in August.  If that does not happen our kiddos will potentially be "stuck" in the DRC for another six months until the next set of interviews take place.  Please be praying that all hands that are working on some sort of anything that has to do with whatever needs to be done for that to happen, are diligent, thorough and speedy. People, lets all be working on "Heidi time" here for goodness sake.

Em and Wyatt out on the paddle board

green onions and lettuce in abundance, corn and carrots, not so much yet :)

In the meantime, we are loving life at the lake and preparing to be a family of six.  Whoa, six, deep breaths.  Emma and Corbin are going to camp with Fry cousins, the garden is finally growing and I am hosting Noonday shows, helping families fundraise for their adoptions.  I have even started cycle racing a little and spending some time with my girlfriends.  There is potential that I may not lose my mind after all.  The jury is still out on that one, if you ask some not-to-be-named members of my fam, but all in all life is good.  Thanks for all your prayers!

OH, and Monday is a BIG day for us.  Big, I mean huge, the countdown has begun and you should be begging me for the news.  There will be pictures of Emmanuel and Abigael involved.  Stop right there and put down the phone if you know my number cause I am not going to tell you!  Na na na na na na!  Can you wait that long?    I hope so, it will be worth it!

Creating And Filling The Shoes Of A Man, Father and Husband.

Many have asked me what my husband thinks about our adoption. Sometimes, I feel like I am looking back at them with a glazed over stare, feeling somewhat offended and thinking "What do you mean?  He is totally on board!"  I mean, really, why wouldn't he be?  After all, I told him that I felt this was God's calling for us.  I sat, talked at with him and researched with him for hours on end about all the wrong in the world and why what we were thinking about was right both morally and scripturally.  We have done hours upon hours of education, reading and researching about everything that could possibly happen, go wrong or that our children may have or suffer from.  Well, I did that and then shared a majority of the information with him.  Now that I think about it, there may have been a time or two (or a hundred) in which he gave me that same blank, glazed over stare that I was giving those who were questioning me.

Hmmm, I am a pretty determined little lady. Ok, enough with the under-your-breath scoffing.  I hear you...fine, I am very strong willed...so is my husband...it makes life interesting!  If I believe in something, Josh usually gives in uh...supports me in the journey we take together.  Don't get me wrong, he is on board with our adoption but is he totally freaked out and scared?  Yes, so am I.  I would be worried if we weren't.  It is called being a parent.  Boy am I glad I am not in his position.

Life can be a scary journey.  Throw an adoption in there and you make it even more exciting.  Some days, parenting decisions makes me want to be on a cocktail of anti-nausea, anti-depression, anti-anxiety meds to mix in with my anti-ADD and I could be ready to start the day!!!  Thank GOD for Josh and his responsibility of keeping me grounded and helping me raise these amazing kiddos! I swear I still have days where I look at my kids and think,

"Aren't we too young to have kids?  Seriously, these are ours?  What if we screw them up?"

In ode to Fathers Day and the incredible men I have learned from,  I did some studying and came across these verses that I wanted to share about what is amazing about men, fathers and husbands.

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.

                                                1 Corinthians 16:13 

In my mind, that is a man, right there.  Sometimes, as strong women, we need a man to stand up to us, help our hearts and minds be on the same page and be the ones with questions about our decisions.  Josh is the one that thinks of the questions, I am the one that finds the answers, together, we make a decision.  Hey, we may not always get along or be that nice to each other, but we are always working together and that is the right direction to be going, if you ask us.

Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it.

                                    Proverbs 22:6

As a parent, are you teaching your little men the way of our Lord? I always think that teaching boys to grow up to be men, who respect themselves, women and the Lord could quite possibly be one of the hardest things in parenting.  Maybe thats because I had a sister, but my husband and the men around us are incredible at this.  Are you surrounding your sons with role models like these? My parents in-law did a superb job of this and it is obvious if you have ever met my father in-law or his boys.  Or really, just look at me and my sis, we aren't boys, but we are pretty stinkin awesome and we can thank our Daddy for at least part of our awesomeness!

He who fears the LORD has a secure fortress, and for his children it will be a refuge.

                                 Proverbs 14:26

My great friend Tara writes an amazing blog and today, her husband was a guest writer. You can find them on S'more Stories.  Ty wrote about how he feels like the wrapper that keeps his family package together and safe. What an amazing and scary feeling, as a man, to know that is your job.  

**I am confidant that is why most men are so nervous about the adoption process, or any big decision for that matter.  I know because I asked and Josh told me.  Funny how if you just take a deep breath and ask "why" they will tell you!  It isn't that they do not want to add one or even 12 children to their family, it is the worry of how he will provide for, love and keep all these children safe and secure in themselves and in life.  As women and wives, we need to be sure that we are honoring those God given concerns he has and not second guessing them.  After all, our husbands are the head of our household and as much as we want to fight it sometimes, their opinions and worries really do have relevance to your family and marriage.

Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

                                 Joshua 1:9

Um, ladies, it is no big revelation that we grasp this notion at the pace of the hare.  It has taken me 12 years to figure out that, as frustrating as it is, our husbands will too....eventually...just give them time.  Sometimes, their walk with the Lord is at the tortoise pace and you know how that story ends.

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and the become one flesh.

                                    Genesis 2:24

When Josh chose me as his partner, he jumped into big shoes that my father had created as my mentor and support system.  The same goes for me to him. Josh and I have supported each other through a lot of goals and adventures that most would consider out of the question.  Through it all, we have been confidant that the Lord will provide us with what we need spiritually, emotionally and financially.  We have travelled together all over the country racing, me on a bicycle or running, him on a drag bike.  He has been my rock when I was training 3-5 hours a day, sometimes at the crack of dawn on 5 hours of sleep, sometimes in a snow blizzard.  He has talked me through 3 hour long runs on a treadmill or rides on my rollers. He has always encouraged me to follow my dreams.  When he wants to follow his, there is never a part of me that feels bitterness for staying back with the kids for a week while he goes heli-skiing, drag racing or water skiing with the boys.  We have a partnership of unreal support and I feel so blessed with that. 

So, to all the fathers out there who are and are yet to be, Happy Fathers Day.  I hope that you will raise your little men and women to be capable of "filling the shoes" when they find their God chosen spouse.  I hope they are big shoes, that were full of love, and will continue to be.     XOXO, Heids

Mother-Daughter weekend

Last year, about November, it dawned on me that our daughter was going to be 10 on her next birthday.  10...that is double digits, that is going to college in 8 more years, that is past the point of little kid-hood, that is almost babysitter age, that makes me want to cry.  Ok, I mean I have fully finished and up to date scrapbooks of her since she was born.  Wait, no I don't, I think I fell off that wagon when she was 5.  I should really get back on that one.  She is our first born and our little girl and she was turning 10.  So, I did what is appropriate in our family for the double digit birthday, I thought of something big.

Emma is a guitar strumming, Taylor Swift loving fool.  As members of the Taylor Swift VIP fan club (its ok if you are envious, I can send you link for becoming a member as well) we received notice of a pre-sale for her concert in Salt Lake City and I jumped on it!  What could be more fun than taking my daughter to her first concert???  So, with the help of my Dad, I secured tickets to a concert that sold out, completely, in the pre-sale, in five minutes!

Then, I had to keep it a secret for 5 months.  THE AGONY AND TORTURE!!!!!

Her March birthday rolled around and she went bananas with the news. Saweeeeeet.  We were officially the coolest parents in the world.  Oh, but then she had to wait 2 1/2 more months until the actual concert day.

Fast forward to last weekend and here is where the fun part starts.  With all the adoption drama and school just finishing, a mother daughter weekend was much needed.  Two days before we left, her VIP package arrived in the mail complete with a blanket, tote bag, guitar picks, iphone case (uhhh NO, she does not have a phone), bracelets and a program to take with us.  Now, it was just me and Em, on a plane (courtesy of Grandma and Grandpa), staying in a hotel, and seeing Taylor Swift.  Let the adolescent screaming begin!

Emma, Felicity and I on the plane to SLC

After a mad rush of the mall (it was like running after a wandering toddler) because "MOM, I have to find a red dress" we came up with a cutie red poncho style shirt to wear over her white dress.  Oh my, I was exhausted all ready.  Good thing Corbin and Daddy weren't with us, they would be toast!  We put our feet up for approximately 12 minutes before she looked at my outfit and told me I wasn't red enough.  Uh, I totally had my Sseko sandals on with a red rose atop my red painted toes AND a red bracelet on!  Back to Nordstrom we went to look for red which is NOT the "in" color right now.  5 minutes and $68 later, I was styled by my 10 year old daughter to an acceptable state.  All the while I was reminiscing my brand new red tank I had hanging in my closet and kicking myself for not being the cool mom who packed that sort of thing.  Duh Mom, it is the RED tour!!!

Yep, were were there at ten to 7 since the concert starts at 7 and that is when Taylor will come on right?  Um, no...I have been to enough concerts to know this, but was not willing to break that spirit.  Two hours and 2 opening acts later, Emma was near comatose and a friend showed up with this 8x10 from the meet-n-greet she went to.  Thank you Heather for boosting her sprits back up! 

While we waited, I wondered if I was one of the oldest women in the arena at 34.  There is something about 10,000+ screaming college and adolescent age girls that took me back to my youth and the first concerts I attended.  Mind you, my first concert was John Denver, but my Dad did took me and I can still rock out  "country road, take me home" to you.  After that, I headed down the Violent Femmes, They Might Be Giants concert path so, Taylor Swift is a breath of fresh air for me when it comes to someone my kid is looking up to!  

Emma, if you want to write and play songs about mean girls and lame boyfriends, then I say rock on sista.

Finally, out she came!!!  What a blast.  Emma had a fantastic time singing along on the way home she told me all about why Taylor had written those songs and what she was feeling when she did.  I could probably be Taylor Swifts mother now too.  I mean, I really and truly know her thanks to Emma's Taylor Swift encyclopedia brain :)  

What I do know for sure is that girl never once came out with skin showing, her boobs about to fall out or skirts so short you could catch a glimpse of her business.  Never once did she grind down with one of her dancers or give my daughter the idea that being a girl known for her sexiness is cool.  Right on, we will take it!

Em didn't even make it under the covers when we returned and she stayed that way until well into mid morning when I finally had her get up so we could go see the tabernacle choir.  

It was very cool, but she made it through 4 rehearsal songs and she was done.  I wasn't arguing.  

We hit the museum because Em loves museums and I was there to do whatever she wanted to do.  Luckily for me, she filled in the blanks for me of the who and why that I had about Christ and his life. Thank you classical christian school for allowing my little bible scholar to learn as she pleases. 

We left the 91 degree heat of SLC and took the 43 minute flight home to Bozeman.  When we got here, it was POURING down rain, my minivan battery was dead and I had left the windows cracked because there was a 0% chance of rain.  Awesome.  Emma informed me that her AG doll, Felicity, can NOT get wet!  Deep breath in, and out.  I found a nice security guard who got us running and we headed home.  We had started the summer off with a bang and nothing was going to dampen our spirits now!

Updates from Crazy Town

Wow, it feels good to be back at the keyboard.  To all of you who are friends, fans, family or just praying for us, thank you for your patience over the last few weeks.  I am not even going to pretend that it didn't totally suck.

I have been in what my girl Holly calls "emotional Botox".  In fact she says I have to have received at least 600 units of it.  I am so emotionally drained. My mind is what you would call a (clear throat here) HOT MESS!!  I have emotions, I swear.  I am just having a heck of a time showing them.  I mean seriously people, my brother in law ended up in the hospital on Sunday and all I could say to my sister was "want me to take the girls for you?"  I am the worst sister/friend EVER right now.  

Over these past few weeks, I took the advice of great friends and spent a week mourning over and talking about our loss.  However, I was always thinking of what we were going to do next. You see DRC is also a hot mess right now and in order for us to be bringing kiddos home in 2013 we needed to be paper complete and government approved by August and that is coming REALLY fast in the world of adoption.  SO, my thoughts and actions were something like this.  Am I proud of this?  No.  Was it all consuming?  Yes.  Here it goes...

*When will our next referral come?

*Will we be able to be ready by the August deadline?

*Is it ok if we have to wait another year?

                                              pray (believe it or not, I did do this)

*We are never going to adopt, how will I recover from this?

*Call Josh and tell him I boxed up the twins' room because "we are never going to get more kids!" (insert crying here)

pray

*show Emma a photo of a sibling group of 4 and have her tell me she hopes God has called us to take all four...start crying

*consider taking a sibling group of 4 because I can't live with the idea of splitting them and there are twins in the group so that has to be a sign.

*hysterical bawling followed by multiple incomprehensible calls to my poor hubby.

pray

*Immerse myself in work

*non-stop browsing of the waiting child list online

*realize the waiting child list online is not even close to up to date.

pray

*quit going to my adoptive moms group because I know if I add to the conversation I will cry,

*realize my relationship with Josh is struggling because a new referral is the only thing on my mind and I haven't ridden my bike in over a week (maybe 2)

pray

*call my Mommy and ask for her help before I lose my bloody mind!

*realize my totally awesome kids are out of school and my outlook on life is a cocktail combo of manic depression, ADD, bipolar disorder and mental self abuse with a side of "insane in the membrane"!

pray

*Go on a much needed mother daughter weekend with Emma to see Taylor Swift in concert.  That post is coming as soon as I get pictures downloaded.  It was pretty stinkin' amazing.

*Buy and start reading the book Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst and start learning how to deal with my psycho mom/woman emotions.  Ladies, this book is brilliant. Men, great insight into our heads.

pray

*Realize that I have an incredible group of friends, family and support that are sitting by watching, listening and holding me just waiting for this to pass.  You guys are incredible!

*Realize that I need to sit down and talk this out with my unbelievable husband and make a plan.  Folks, in case you haven't noticed, I work better with a plan of attack and a final outcome goal.  It is probably the athlete in me and Josh gets that...or at least pretends to and goes along with it. LOVE HIM

I came across a card in our daughters room and read it, don't pretend you don't read stuff in your kids' rooms, you know you do.  Luckily for my snooping eyes, this card was addressed to Emma and I, from a fabulous woman who bought necklaces from us.  She told us she would be praying this verse for us,

"Now to Him who is able to do far more adundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church forever and ever amen."

--Ephesians 3:20

I re-read it about 50 times and this verse is one that I will be submitting to memory. It has been on this card, on Emma's windowsill, for months.  Apparently I wasn't very observant.  She, on the other hand, is.   Just goes to show that lessons learned from your ten year old daughter are usually beautiful.  

God is in ultimate control here and has our path mapped out for us.  Duh.  There are no wrong answers to our little predicament we just want to be making the right choice.  Maybe there isn't one, but we need to remember that the right choice is ultimately following His teachings, being true to ourselves and loving less of ourselves and more of Him.  So after a sit down/talk it out with Josh and finally a good nights sleep, out for a run I go.  I will even shower today and play with the kiddos damn it!  It is all going to work out, that I am sure of it.

So, what's next you are wondering?  Well, we are pretty sure we have made a decision and it does include new members of the Fry Family.  Information is coming soon, I promise.  Until then, you will just have to be patient and wait.  If you need me to give you lessons on this topic I am completely available the wrong person to ask!!!  

Thanks for all your support.  We love and appreciate you!!

Grief, Strength and Faith In the Journey

Earlier this week, my best friend, Holly, told me she has never seen me shine like I have in the last year and that she was really proud of me, my strength and my courage through this bumpy road of adoption.  She has seen and experienced it all, right along side of me.  Everyone has an opinion, a thought they want to share and questions that are usually disrespectful and awkward about our international adoption.  I have stood my ground through them all.  Well, at least so far :)

I did not know how to respond to her statement!  We have been friends for 16 years.  I mean the inseparable, share the same brain and thought process, our kids call us "auntie" kind of friends.  When she told her husband we were adopting, his first response was "we are not adopting because Heidi is, got it?"  The thought still makes me giggle. We have trained with each other through World and National Championship races and she is proud of me now? All I could say was, "well, thanks Holl."

Later that afternoon, I received news that would shake me to the core, for lack of a better cliche saying. 

You see, last month, I had a feeling that our twins' birth mother had passed away. We found out that was true and started to pray for the healing of their hearts and comfort during their grief.  We knew that they had received our care packages and that we loved them whole heartedly.  Then, we found out that they had a maternal grandfather who did not know that his daughter was sick and had made plans for her children to be adopted.  Thus began another round of prayer.  Josh and I wondered if this grandfather could care for "our" children.  As much as we hated to say it, this would be ideal for them.  If something happened to us, we pray that our parents could and would want to care for our littles.  

Three weeks later, he had still not gone to the foster home to retrieve them.  I received a phone call yesterday letting me know that the grandfather had decided that he would not appear in court to approve our adoption.  I asked why he hadn't come to get them yet?  That's when the dagger came out, thrust itself into my heart and begin to twist.  He could not go take them "home" unless we released our custody of them.  With tears in my eyes, I made the decision that I knew was the best for them.  

I had known, in my heart, that there was a chance we were going to lose them.  Lose them?  Like they were ever ours to begin with, but they were.  I have carried them in my heart for almost six months.  Yesterday, I feel as though I miscarried those children.

I do not like to hurt and I am not a fan of crying.  It makes my brain tired and I feel out of control.  People say it is supposed to be healthy and an important part of grieving.  It also turns my eyes an incredible shade of turquoise.  None of these were helping me at the moment.  I was in a full on sob fest.

Through a gasping phone conversation with first my husband and then Holly, I came to understand that God used our love for these kids to help them through their grief of their mother until they could be reunited with their biological family.  That did not make it hurt any less.  I believe my exact question to her was,

 "Couldn't God have picked someone who is a lot stronger than me to be that person?"  Her response was, "not that I can think of."

I do not feel strong.  Physically, yes, I will kick your butt any day... mentally, not at all.  Maybe mentally and spiritually are two separate things, maybe they are connected, who am I to say?

I know that I am not alone in this and that helps a lot.  There are Momma's out their who have been or are in my shoes. 

I know that we, as a family, need time to grieve.  Even though they were not growing in my womb, they were growing in my heart with a name and a face.  The loss hurts. 

I know that God's plan for our adoption journey is not complete.  I have NO doubt of that whatsoever.

I know that there is no guarantee in adoption.  There was no guarantee that my two biological children would be born alive, much less healthy, and that didn't stop me from carrying them.

I know there are now 2 less orphans in the world and we praise God for that.

A girlfriend sent me a JJ Heller song that says "I don't know what You are doing, but I do know who You are." I know that out God is sovereign and that He is leading us in a direction that only He knows.  

I know that through my prayer and talks with our God that He is showing Josh and I the way.  We will simply need to listen and obey.

Isaiah 41:10 reads "fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I know that I am stronger than I ever thought I would be.

I know that strength comes from the Lord and from within.  My children see that and I can only hope they will want that as well.

Most importantly, I know that God is providing the best and right home for "our" twins.  This was not our plan.  BUT, His plan for them and for us is ultimately the only one that matters.

Mothers Day Tidbits

We are not an over scheduled family by any means.  I am definitely over schedule but with my kiddos I am a do as I say not as I do kind of Mom.  However, this week has been a whirlwind of crazy to the point where I had to look at my phone to figure out what day it was today!

The month of May means: the end of school (for our kids at least), the beginning of baseball, starting the yard and garden work, summer is coming quickly, the days are longer and therefor bed times are not earlier and my husbands our Harley shop is going to be open seven days a week and crazy busy.  Our poor kiddos are saturated with a years worth of school and now standardized testing.  If they aren't crying by the end of the day, I sure might be.   Oh wait a minute, Mothers Day, May brings Mothers Day too.

Tomorrow, my daughter is modeling in a Mothers Day fashion show to benefit childhood cancer.  What is even more amazing is that there will be three mothers present at the show whose little ones are currently battling this horrid disease.  I sat down to think about what Mothers Day means to me.  Although I am a mother with two of her four children living half way around the world, I have been blessed with strong and healthy kids.  If there was nothing else, that is enough to sustain me!

I have a feeling my kiddos and hubs have been working on a special surprise for me.  I am blessed to be such a beacon of light for them but I need to say that I am not impressed by me.  I am simply doing what I believe God had planned for me to do. It is you fellow Mommas out there that blow my mind and make me wonder how you do it.

Happy Mothers Day

**To the Mommas who have beautiful children in a hospital fighting for their lives, or may be fighting for their own, I honor you.
**To the Mommas who are starving so that their children may be able to eat, my heart hurts for you.
**To the Mommas who are working as hard as motherly possible and sacrificing parts of themselves in order for their children to succeed, we are incredible.  We are all doing it, come to terms with it and pat yourself on the back.
**To the full time working Mommas, I don't know how you do what you do.
**To the stay-at-home Mommas who do it all and then some more, but everyone thinks you have spare time galore, I know the real story.
**To the Mommas who sit through hours upon hours of sporting events.  I think I will be there with you soon, save me a book and a seat in the sun!
**To the Mommas that opened their lives and homes to their children's friends and then, were called "Momma" for years.  I will never forget you.
**To the Mommas who have left this world to sit at the right hand of God, you are never forgotten.
**To the Mommas who knew there was a better life for her children than what she could provide, I promise to do everything I can to honor you and teach your children the ways of the Lord.  I cannot wait to meet and thank you one day.

To my Ma who sacrificed herself, worked full time, volunteered, taught me to be an amazing woman, sat through over 70 hours of track and cross country meets every year for 11 years and gymnastic before that (not to mention my sisters soccer schedule), studied with me, went to college online, at home in the evenings, studied with me, cried with me, spent every penny to travel the world with us, moved to Montana with my sissy and I, wanted to (and still does) strangle me over and over again.....

To my other Momma who raised an amazing man that I get to love daily, who is an incredible woman I am blessed to call friend, someone I look up to and secretly long for her decorating style, a creative mind and lover of all, a woman who helped me to find God and is always a member of my endeavor
fan club, a woman who also wants to strangle me over and over again....

...I have no problem whatsoever when your words flow from my mouth or when I find myself doing things "my mothers do".  In fact, I am honored to be in your club.  I hope that I can be half the mother you two are.  I do not feel worthy to have been blessed with not one, but two Moms that I cherish the way I cherish you.

No card at Target can ever say what really needs to be said to all you fabulous Momma's out there.  So, I will just say this,

Mommas, has anyone told you today 

how phenomenal you are???

Dear Spring

[It's okay to laugh, it is pretty darn funny especially if you know me :) ]

Dear Spring, 

We need to have a little chat about what is going on here at the Fry Family "Farm". 

It has been a very long winter.  I realize that I am a born and raised Alaskan, but the reality is, I do not like to be cold. Period.  As I was digging in the garden yesterday, while wearing a fleece jacket, long pants, and gloves I realized there are some things I think we should discuss. I cannot keep it in any longer.

First and foremost, this wind is not okay.  Its constant, unannounced arrival is not appreciated.  I do not want its company on my runs, bike rides, garden time, or anywhere else for that matter.  More importantly, I have a new sun hat that I am rather excited about and I cannot wear it for fear that it will blow off and sail back to the incredible artisan in Madagascar that made it while I run after it.  My long runs are not that long right now, I would prefer it to shield my lovely face and neck from skin cancer instead of being a training tool.

[There is a definite chance she may steal it!]

My dear, dear garden, I love you.  I love you far more than I should and spend more time and love on you more than I do my husband. I feel kinda bad about it. You have the finest soil in the county and folks stop by every year to ask about it.  I would like to request that you no longer sub lease to rocks.  Every year, when I rototill, I catch you with these unlawful house guests.  I have worked very hard to give you such a nice home, please respect it.

Fear not, my soon to be fruitful garden, I have solved the mystery of the missing peas, muskmelon and green bean plants.  Unfortunately, there is not much I can do about it, the culprit has been found but not necessarily apprehended.  I have a feeling she may not be acting alone.  We predict her gang of misfits may be about 14 strong.  What can I say?  She has a really long neck and lays eggs year round!  Now that I know the truth I will diligently work on not comparing you to the oh-so-spectacular gardens in my monthly issues of Southern Living magazine.  It is not fair, I know.  I also promise not to let Josh judge you mid season for what he thinks is a lack of fertility on your part.  Good things come to those who wait and we will wait on your abundance, my love.

To the row of some sort of flower that I can’t remember the name of that came up with a vivacious splendor in the middle of the garden, its not you, its me.  I realize that you fought the fight of winter for as long as I did, but you had to go.  My son has informed me that he won’t eat flowers this year.

Baby chickens, you are stinkin’ cute, seriously cute.  In no time at all you will grow up to be awkward, only half feathered teenagers and we will name some of you ridiculous names.  Some of you will lay eggs and live with the big girls, some of you will grow up to be roosters that we eat.  In the mean you are cute, cute, cute!!!

So, my precious garden and baby foul, I vow to love you, cherish you, baby you and only feed you yummy things all summer long.  When the time comes, some of you will learn to love winter and some of you will die away, go in the freezer and be born again in the following Spring.

We can get through it together.  I better go put some seeds in that dirt I mean soil!

XOXO,

Heidi

[the first day that 70 didn't feel like 40!  My hat blew off right after this was taken]