Grief, Strength and Faith In the Journey

Earlier this week, my best friend, Holly, told me she has never seen me shine like I have in the last year and that she was really proud of me, my strength and my courage through this bumpy road of adoption.  She has seen and experienced it all, right along side of me.  Everyone has an opinion, a thought they want to share and questions that are usually disrespectful and awkward about our international adoption.  I have stood my ground through them all.  Well, at least so far :)

I did not know how to respond to her statement!  We have been friends for 16 years.  I mean the inseparable, share the same brain and thought process, our kids call us "auntie" kind of friends.  When she told her husband we were adopting, his first response was "we are not adopting because Heidi is, got it?"  The thought still makes me giggle. We have trained with each other through World and National Championship races and she is proud of me now? All I could say was, "well, thanks Holl."

Later that afternoon, I received news that would shake me to the core, for lack of a better cliche saying. 

You see, last month, I had a feeling that our twins' birth mother had passed away. We found out that was true and started to pray for the healing of their hearts and comfort during their grief.  We knew that they had received our care packages and that we loved them whole heartedly.  Then, we found out that they had a maternal grandfather who did not know that his daughter was sick and had made plans for her children to be adopted.  Thus began another round of prayer.  Josh and I wondered if this grandfather could care for "our" children.  As much as we hated to say it, this would be ideal for them.  If something happened to us, we pray that our parents could and would want to care for our littles.  

Three weeks later, he had still not gone to the foster home to retrieve them.  I received a phone call yesterday letting me know that the grandfather had decided that he would not appear in court to approve our adoption.  I asked why he hadn't come to get them yet?  That's when the dagger came out, thrust itself into my heart and begin to twist.  He could not go take them "home" unless we released our custody of them.  With tears in my eyes, I made the decision that I knew was the best for them.  

I had known, in my heart, that there was a chance we were going to lose them.  Lose them?  Like they were ever ours to begin with, but they were.  I have carried them in my heart for almost six months.  Yesterday, I feel as though I miscarried those children.

I do not like to hurt and I am not a fan of crying.  It makes my brain tired and I feel out of control.  People say it is supposed to be healthy and an important part of grieving.  It also turns my eyes an incredible shade of turquoise.  None of these were helping me at the moment.  I was in a full on sob fest.

Through a gasping phone conversation with first my husband and then Holly, I came to understand that God used our love for these kids to help them through their grief of their mother until they could be reunited with their biological family.  That did not make it hurt any less.  I believe my exact question to her was,

 "Couldn't God have picked someone who is a lot stronger than me to be that person?"  Her response was, "not that I can think of."

I do not feel strong.  Physically, yes, I will kick your butt any day... mentally, not at all.  Maybe mentally and spiritually are two separate things, maybe they are connected, who am I to say?

I know that I am not alone in this and that helps a lot.  There are Momma's out their who have been or are in my shoes. 

I know that we, as a family, need time to grieve.  Even though they were not growing in my womb, they were growing in my heart with a name and a face.  The loss hurts. 

I know that God's plan for our adoption journey is not complete.  I have NO doubt of that whatsoever.

I know that there is no guarantee in adoption.  There was no guarantee that my two biological children would be born alive, much less healthy, and that didn't stop me from carrying them.

I know there are now 2 less orphans in the world and we praise God for that.

A girlfriend sent me a JJ Heller song that says "I don't know what You are doing, but I do know who You are." I know that out God is sovereign and that He is leading us in a direction that only He knows.  

I know that through my prayer and talks with our God that He is showing Josh and I the way.  We will simply need to listen and obey.

Isaiah 41:10 reads "fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I know that I am stronger than I ever thought I would be.

I know that strength comes from the Lord and from within.  My children see that and I can only hope they will want that as well.

Most importantly, I know that God is providing the best and right home for "our" twins.  This was not our plan.  BUT, His plan for them and for us is ultimately the only one that matters.