Wow, it feels good to be back at the keyboard. To all of you who are friends, fans, family or just praying for us, thank you for your patience over the last few weeks. I am not even going to pretend that it didn't totally suck.
I have been in what my girl Holly calls "emotional Botox". In fact she says I have to have received at least 600 units of it. I am so emotionally drained. My mind is what you would call a (clear throat here) HOT MESS!! I have emotions, I swear. I am just having a heck of a time showing them. I mean seriously people, my brother in law ended up in the hospital on Sunday and all I could say to my sister was "want me to take the girls for you?" I am the worst sister/friend EVER right now.
Over these past few weeks, I took the advice of great friends and spent a week mourning over and talking about our loss. However, I was always thinking of what we were going to do next. You see DRC is also a hot mess right now and in order for us to be bringing kiddos home in 2013 we needed to be paper complete and government approved by August and that is coming REALLY fast in the world of adoption. SO, my thoughts and actions were something like this. Am I proud of this? No. Was it all consuming? Yes. Here it goes...
*When will our next referral come?
*Will we be able to be ready by the August deadline?
*Is it ok if we have to wait another year?
pray (believe it or not, I did do this)
*We are never going to adopt, how will I recover from this?
*Call Josh and tell him I boxed up the twins' room because "we are never going to get more kids!" (insert crying here)
*show Emma a photo of a sibling group of 4 and have her tell me she hopes God has called us to take all four...start crying
*consider taking a sibling group of 4 because I can't live with the idea of splitting them and there are twins in the group so that has to be a sign.
*hysterical bawling followed by multiple incomprehensible calls to my poor hubby.
*Immerse myself in work
*non-stop browsing of the waiting child list online
*realize the waiting child list online is not even close to up to date.
*quit going to my adoptive moms group because I know if I add to the conversation I will cry,
*realize my relationship with Josh is struggling because a new referral is the only thing on my mind and I haven't ridden my bike in over a week (maybe 2)
*call my Mommy and ask for her help before I lose my bloody mind!
*realize my totally awesome kids are out of school and my outlook on life is a cocktail combo of manic depression, ADD, bipolar disorder and mental self abuse with a side of "insane in the membrane"!
*Go on a much needed mother daughter weekend with Emma to see Taylor Swift in concert. That post is coming as soon as I get pictures downloaded. It was pretty stinkin' amazing.
*Buy and start reading the book Unglued by Lysa TerKeurst and start learning how to deal with my psycho mom/woman emotions. Ladies, this book is brilliant. Men, great insight into our heads.
*Realize that I have an incredible group of friends, family and support that are sitting by watching, listening and holding me just waiting for this to pass. You guys are incredible!
*Realize that I need to sit down and talk this out with my unbelievable husband and make a plan. Folks, in case you haven't noticed, I work better with a plan of attack and a final outcome goal. It is probably the athlete in me and Josh gets that...or at least pretends to and goes along with it. LOVE HIM
I came across a card in our daughters room and read it, don't pretend you don't read stuff in your kids' rooms, you know you do. Luckily for my snooping eyes, this card was addressed to Emma and I, from a fabulous woman who bought necklaces from us. She told us she would be praying this verse for us,
"Now to Him who is able to do far more adundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, to Him be glory in the church forever and ever amen."
I re-read it about 50 times and this verse is one that I will be submitting to memory. It has been on this card, on Emma's windowsill, for months. Apparently I wasn't very observant. She, on the other hand, is. Just goes to show that lessons learned from your ten year old daughter are usually beautiful.
God is in ultimate control here and has our path mapped out for us. Duh. There are no wrong answers to our little predicament we just want to be making the right choice. Maybe there isn't one, but we need to remember that the right choice is ultimately following His teachings, being true to ourselves and loving less of ourselves and more of Him. So after a sit down/talk it out with Josh and finally a good nights sleep, out for a run I go. I will even shower today and play with the kiddos damn it! It is all going to work out, that I am sure of it.
So, what's next you are wondering? Well, we are pretty sure we have made a decision and it does include new members of the Fry Family. Information is coming soon, I promise. Until then, you will just have to be patient and wait. If you need me to give you lessons on this topic I am
completely available the wrong person to ask!!!
Thanks for all your support. We love and appreciate you!!